They’re often unrecognizable as alcoholics, walking among us, working alongside us, able to carry out (at least superficially) their responsibilities. Perhaps they’re even members of our own families. The high-functioning alcoholic is very adept at concealing their alcoholism – even from themselves. But the signs are there. You just have to look for them.
*GASP*
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband. I am walking among you.
For our collective enjoyment, let's see just how you can recognize derelicts like myself, as high-functioning alcoholics (they call me an "HFA"):
• In the company of others who drink – The HFA surrounds himself with others who like to drink. This assimilation makes it difficult to pick out the HFA as being different from the rest. Besides, the HFA truly enjoys drinking and being around others with similar likes.
Truly enjoying drinking and being around other people who share my likes (aka - people who aren't totally lame) makes no one an alcoholic.
• Obsessing over alcohol – The thought of alcohol is never far from the mind of the HFA. Counting hours until the next drink, mentally savoring the mellowness and pleasure of the impending drink, calculating how much alcohol can be consumed without any outward signs of drunkenness – the HFA obsesses over alcohol.
Obsessing? You mean like devoting hours upon hours of my precious time creating a website specifically designed for drunk people? Nahhhhh.
• Consuming craving – One drink is never enough for the HFA. The lure is too strong, and the craving consumes the HFA until he or she can have the next drink – and the next, and the next. Before long, the HFA has lost control over total alcohol intake – even though he or she still may appear outwardly normal and in control. After all, they are masters of discipline and concealment.
I am the master of discipline and concealment. Be not afraid, but perhaps slightly concerned.
• Alcohol is part of their lives – The HFA would no more give up alcohol than they’d give up their identity. Alcohol is so much a part of their lives that they cannot imagine a life without alcohol.
That is correct. I cannot imagine my life without alcohol. That being said, I don't think Im in any real danger of an eternal booze shortage, so I'm calling this a non-issue.
• Finishing drinks of others – If someone the HFA is with leaves a drink on the bar or the table, the HFA may pick it up and finish it. “Don’t want to let this go to waste,” he may say in a joking manner. Related to this is the example of the HFA downing his own drink when it’s time to leave – to go to the table at the restaurant after waiting at the bar, for example – and then quickly ordering another. If a family member or friend doesn’t touch his or her drink, the HFA often drinks it along with his own.
Someone who thinks that wasting precious money AND booze is a crime is not an alcoholic. They're just right.
• Experiencing shame over drunken behavior – Being such masters of concealment, the HFA does often experience remorse and/or shame over instances where their behavior has become sloppy after drinking. Such behavior isn’t part of their carefully crafted images and they consequently work even harder to avoid such mistakes in the future. But they won’t quit drinking. They’ll just watch their behavior more.
As they should. If you are a total lush, you shouldn't be a sloppy one for heaven's sake. Besides, isn't drinking only truly considered problematic when your behavior becomes problematic?
• Self-deluding – Some HFAs drink only expensive wine or liquor in the mistaken belief that this means they’re not an alcoholic. It’s a self-delusion that allows them to continue to drink with impunity.
What if I only drink cheap vodka because I'm broke as a joke but still drink with impunity? Does wine in a box count?
• Fit life into compartments – Another familiar sign of HFAs is that they are able to conveniently separate their drinking lives from the rest of their existence. Who they are at home, on the job, or to casual acquaintances is totally different from their drinking routine and environment.
I do not do this. I prefer to drink with abandon and tell everyone who disapproves to get fucked.
• Tried to quit but failed – At some point the HFA may have tried to quit drinking but failed in the attempt. This pattern may often be repeated, but still the HFA refuses to seek treatment. It is part of their personality makeup, their self-constructed identity that they feel they can handle their drinking on their own. Such refusal to get help is difficult to overcome.
I tried to quit once for like a week. It went down like this:
| Workaholics | Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c | |||
| We Took an Oath | ||||
| ||||
The point I'm ultimately trying to make is that if an alcoholic can be considered "high-functioning," is it really worth worrying about?
NO.
Stay drink-y, people!!
Don't forget to visit us at DrunkatHome.com!
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