5 Fucking Annoying Facebookers

I have to get something off my chest - I was drunkenly perusing Facebook this weekend and there are a few people that are cluttering up my news feed with such inane bullshit, it makes me wonder if they are even worthy of being called a person. Harsh, but geeeeeeeezus, these people.

1. Diary Posters

I am sooooooo tired of people posting status updates that read like a diary. You see, Facebook is not your personal diary due to the fact that everyone reads it. I shouldn't be able to gauge that you are a weak and insecure person by the nature of your updates. Additionally, keep your relationship fights OFF of Facebook. There is truly nothing in this world that's more obnoxious than a public fight that didn't even happen in public. This goes for overly emotional posters too. We all have feelings, it's just that yours are particularly annoying.

1:24pm "OMG! Met the coolest guy EVER last night!!"

1:26pm " He said he'd call me today. I really hope he asks me to dinner!! I might be in love!!!"

1:54pm "...still hasn't called...."

1:55pm " my life is a total mess and i hate everything. im not happy."

1:56pm " :((((( "

2. GIF Diarrhea

Ok, I realize that looking at stupid GIFs is part of  What Girls Do On The Internet, and maybe once in a while is fine. If you want to continuously swap stupid GIFs back and forth with your friends, whatever. 

BUT IF YOU CLUTTER MY WALL WITH ONE MORE STUPID GRAFFIC, IM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU. Perhaps if GIFs came in any flavor other than rainbow heart and glitter pony, I'd be more open minded about the whole scenario.

Only a GIF could accurately explain my disdain for GIFs.

3. Chronic Kid Updates

Now, this is a serious offense coming from someone who has a kid, but to the other moms out there - KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. I have no problems seeing pictures of your darling child, nor learning about the various milestones they have achieved. Those are wonderful things to be celebrated, and sure, your kid is adorable. However, there are a select few parents out there who have literally lost all sense of existence outside of parenting. While that is very sad and all, the rest of us don't need to hear about it.

3:57am "Smithy is up for the 5th time tonight!!"

5:05am "Smithy woke up with a big, full diaper!!"

7:02am "Smithy had some applesauce for breakfast!! Messy baby!!"

8:09am "Just put Smithy down for a morning nap."

10:30am " Sweet precious baby took such a long nap!"

10:35am " Smithy is wearing a hat!"

(I think we all get the point. It's annoying and unnecessary. Quit it.)

4. Country Grammar

Yes, this is the internet, but you still don't need to make your self look far more stupid than any human being possibly has the capacity to be without getting a complimentary handicap sticker for your car. Tell me if you can read this without wanting to either stop reading it, or hiring a hit-man to do us all a Darwinian gene pool favor:
"dis iz duh lif. chiln at home w my cmpter n gttn wrk dooooooooon."
Just type like a normal, fucking person. If I had to visually imagine what your brain would look like while typing that, it would be foaming at the mouth, illustrated by my awesome illustration skills, above.

5. Quote-of-the-Day-ers

Bottom line is, if you are blankly staring at your Facebook status box and you find yourself desperately trying to think of something to post, walk away. Nothing important is happening in your life at the moment, therefore, no status update is required. But just then.....a light bulb shines in your mind - other people have important and philosophical things to say!!! Why not just rip lyrics from an overplayed pop song?? Yeah...that'll accurately depict your life, emotions, and principles! Just consider this:: if musicians aren't posting their lyrics as status updates, maybe you shouldn't be posting their lyrics as status updates either.

"Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."


LAME.




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