Knowledge is Power.

Drunken Musings: 3rd Edition

Don't try to break up a bag of ice with a hammer while it is still in the freezer. You will break the freezer.

12 Days of Xmas

It's open season for xmas gift shopping and in case any of you were wondering what I wanted, I put together a comprehensive list you may select from, set to the tune of, "The 12 Days of Christmas."

On the 12 Days of Christmas, Santa brought to meee:

12 Vacation Houses

11 Million Dollars

10 Designer Handbags

9 Booze Cases

8 Investment Bankers

7 Hot Cars

6 Tennis Bracelets








5 Big TV's!

4 Politicians

3 Giant Yachts

2 New Wardrobes

And a big, fat sack of money!!

Aaaand, We're Back.

I hope you had a lovely 4-day break over Thanksgiving! I can say I certainly enjoyed the shit out of mine. We got in some drunken family time (I come by it honestly), got some xmas things accomplished, conquered a high school reunion, and still managed to find some time to laze about.

Turkey Week!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

I spent a good majority of my time this weekend getting mega drunk. Let's just leave it at saying the last few days have been extraordinarily shitty and show no signs of stopping.

The thing keeping me going right now is the prospect of a three day work-week. Hooray!!

Pickup Lines That Men Think Work, But Don't.

For the Ladies: We've all been there. He looks good, he bought you a drink, introduced himself and BOOM! Fell flat on his face with the worst pickup line in the world that immediately turned you off and made him look like a cheesy d-bag. Worse yet are the men you wouldn't have been even mildly interested in to begin with and to top it off, now they're throwing game they don't know how to play. It's awkward.

For the Guys: Im not a guy so I could be way off base here, but I would like to politely request that you STOP USING PICKUP LINES. They make you look corny and tips us gals off immediately that you don't have any thing to offer other than a regurgitated line your buddy told you would score you some tail. Go ahead and assume that "this works every time!" really means, "this works never."

I found a collection of what are supposed to be the "Best Pickup Lines" so I have offered what we women are thinking when you use them.


1. "I'm going to have sex with you tonight, so... you might as well be there"


Her internal reaction: FEAR

Great. Now we have to sit there and look at you while we just got a vivid mental image of you jerking it late at night to a memory of us.


Ultimate creeper line.


Additionally, we now have to wonder, since you have now revealed yourself to be such an extreme creeper, if we don't come home with you, are you going to follow us there and rape/ kill us? And what happens if we DO come home with you??


Either way, us gals are not fond of creepers or getting rape/ killed.








2. "Do you like Bacon? Wanna strip?"


Her internal reaction: CONFUSION

"Did he just call me fat by implying he knows I'm a regular bacon eater??"


"Did he call me a stripper?"


"Or is he actually making a serious invite to after-bar breakfast??"


Here's a hot tip guys: if you are trying to pickup a girl, don't even acknowledge the fact that she eats food. It makes us feel fat. Unless of course, beyond trying to sleep with us, you make an offer to take us to dinner tomorrow night. 


Essentially, if you are trying to make a girl feel good enough about herself to get naked with you, don't remind her of the list of fatty things she's eaten today.


3. "You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a foot-long."


Her internal reaction: EWW.

That makes me think of a penis sandwich.


Bread, lettuce, tomato and all with a flaccid, owner-less member just chillin' like it belongs there.


Honestly, how gross would it be if you went to Subway, ordered yourself a regular ass sandwich and bit into it, only to find a penis?


Put yourselves in our shoes guys. You probably don't want a surprise penis sandwich either.


4. "I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you."


Her internal reaction: FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL PHYSICS 

Really, one of the first things that comes to mind is - why would you want to kiss me without touching me?


Also, is that possible? I mean, I suppose he could kiss me without hands being all grope-y, but doesn't a kiss mandate physical contact? 


Does he have hand herpes?


I'm pretty sure the formula is something like....


Probability X Impact = Expected Outcome Value






5. "If you’re Nala, I’m Simba. Why don’t we complete the circle of life?"


Her internal reaction: HELL NO.

Let's just say you found a girl at a bar who is actually looking for a one-night stand. Jackpot! 


Then you buy her a drink and hit her with this gem of a pickup line.


Probably the last thing you would want to do when trying to pull a one-nighter is remind your prey that she could be one bad decision away from inflicting unintended pregnancy upon herself and being a single mother struggling to collect child support payments from a dead-beat guy she barely knows. 


Yes, I wanted to have sex with you. Now I want to go home and put my chastity belt back on.


Remember guys -- nothing beats introducing yourself and asking the lady what her interests are!


And it never hurts to visit drunkathome.com either!

More Knowledge.

Drunken Musings: 2nd Edition

When you accidentally drop glass on the floor and it breaks, don't worry too much if you don't get all the little tiny shards because your foot will find them for you later.

Loads of New Drink Recipes!

I just added tons of new drink recipes to the blog for your drinky enjoyment!

There will certainly be more to come as we are always thinking of more we forgot and finding new and delicious concoctions.

And always remember:

It matters not if the glass is half-empty or half-full;
either way, there's more room for alcohol!!!

5 Fucking Annoying Facebookers

I have to get something off my chest - I was drunkenly perusing Facebook this weekend and there are a few people that are cluttering up my news feed with such inane bullshit, it makes me wonder if they are even worthy of being called a person. Harsh, but geeeeeeeezus, these people.

1. Diary Posters

I am sooooooo tired of people posting status updates that read like a diary. You see, Facebook is not your personal diary due to the fact that everyone reads it. I shouldn't be able to gauge that you are a weak and insecure person by the nature of your updates. Additionally, keep your relationship fights OFF of Facebook. There is truly nothing in this world that's more obnoxious than a public fight that didn't even happen in public. This goes for overly emotional posters too. We all have feelings, it's just that yours are particularly annoying.

1:24pm "OMG! Met the coolest guy EVER last night!!"

1:26pm " He said he'd call me today. I really hope he asks me to dinner!! I might be in love!!!"

1:54pm "...still hasn't called...."

1:55pm " my life is a total mess and i hate everything. im not happy."

1:56pm " :((((( "

2. GIF Diarrhea

Ok, I realize that looking at stupid GIFs is part of  What Girls Do On The Internet, and maybe once in a while is fine. If you want to continuously swap stupid GIFs back and forth with your friends, whatever. 

BUT IF YOU CLUTTER MY WALL WITH ONE MORE STUPID GRAFFIC, IM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU. Perhaps if GIFs came in any flavor other than rainbow heart and glitter pony, I'd be more open minded about the whole scenario.

Only a GIF could accurately explain my disdain for GIFs.

3. Chronic Kid Updates

Now, this is a serious offense coming from someone who has a kid, but to the other moms out there - KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. I have no problems seeing pictures of your darling child, nor learning about the various milestones they have achieved. Those are wonderful things to be celebrated, and sure, your kid is adorable. However, there are a select few parents out there who have literally lost all sense of existence outside of parenting. While that is very sad and all, the rest of us don't need to hear about it.

3:57am "Smithy is up for the 5th time tonight!!"

5:05am "Smithy woke up with a big, full diaper!!"

7:02am "Smithy had some applesauce for breakfast!! Messy baby!!"

8:09am "Just put Smithy down for a morning nap."

10:30am " Sweet precious baby took such a long nap!"

10:35am " Smithy is wearing a hat!"

(I think we all get the point. It's annoying and unnecessary. Quit it.)

4. Country Grammar

Yes, this is the internet, but you still don't need to make your self look far more stupid than any human being possibly has the capacity to be without getting a complimentary handicap sticker for your car. Tell me if you can read this without wanting to either stop reading it, or hiring a hit-man to do us all a Darwinian gene pool favor:
"dis iz duh lif. chiln at home w my cmpter n gttn wrk dooooooooon."
Just type like a normal, fucking person. If I had to visually imagine what your brain would look like while typing that, it would be foaming at the mouth, illustrated by my awesome illustration skills, above.

5. Quote-of-the-Day-ers

Bottom line is, if you are blankly staring at your Facebook status box and you find yourself desperately trying to think of something to post, walk away. Nothing important is happening in your life at the moment, therefore, no status update is required. But just then.....a light bulb shines in your mind - other people have important and philosophical things to say!!! Why not just rip lyrics from an overplayed pop song?? Yeah...that'll accurately depict your life, emotions, and principles! Just consider this:: if musicians aren't posting their lyrics as status updates, maybe you shouldn't be posting their lyrics as status updates either.

"Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."


LAME.




Don't forget to visit us at drunkathome.com!!!

I'm back!!! Brief Updates...

Wow!
It's been a hot minute since I've posted to the blog.

I was super sick with the worst cold EVER last week and then the three day weekend happened so I feel like I've been sucked into a time vortex.

On a more entertaining note, I hope everyone had a rockin' three day weekend (if you got one and I hope you did)! I'm going to be spending some time adding more drink recipes to the Recipe section of our blog this week for your supreme enjoyment.

Ok, I think those are all the updates!!!

An Ode

Your D@H founders were recently introduced to what is obviously the TRUE nectar of the gods (ambrosia, my ass).  It touched me somewhere deep inside in a way that no other alcohol has, not even Franzia boxed Cabernet Sauvignon ($12.99/5 litres at Dirt Cheap Beer & Liquor - "Come to Dirt Cheap!  Remember guys, the more she drinks, the better you look!").  It made such an impact on my psyche that I've written some haikus in its honor (with the help of my more articulate half, Will):

Fluffed marshmallow drink
Sounds pretty great on its own...
As a vodka - JOY!

Marshmallow vodka:
A new take on "toasted" S'mores!
*Avoid open flame.

The downside to s'mores:
Tasty snacks but hard to drink.
This? Best of both worlds.

That's right, drunken fans, I'm talking about Smirnoff Fluffed Marshmallow Vodka.  Behold:



Sure, it would be delicious mixed with Chocovine or Bailey's or whatever, but even I - who sometimes finds tiramisu to taste too strongly of alcohol - drank this stuff straight.  And loved every minute of it.  I bet you can guess what I'LL be doing tonight.

Signing off,
The One Who Is Not Heather

:P*****

Guys, I have like, the worst cold EVER.

I'm going with probable acute sinus infection. Even Miss Lizzie noticed I looked like utter hell this morning.

We'll just see if I get through this day......

At least it wasn't crazy dark when I woke up this morning.

Happy Daylights savings!

I hope you all enjoyed your extra hour of sleep! :)

Wiiiiiiiiiine Daaaaaaaay

ok, so YES.

OFFICIALLY & CERTIFIED DRUNK.

Our day touring wineries was AWESOME!!!!

Join me NOW for live chat @ drunkathome.com forum!!!!

(if u only knew how long it took me to type that, you would be ashamed....)

TGI MF-ING FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!!

You heard me...

It's mother fucking Friday, bitches!

And not a moment too soon.

Tomorrow, my anonymous cohort and I will be heading for a drink-y day at the wineries on a party bus with 15 girls - what could possibly be more fun??

We'll be doing lots of video recording and picture taking so you can see what we were up to while we were getting our wine on. We will begin drinking at noon, and I have no intention of stopping. By the time I get home tomorrow night to blog, I should be good and shloppy, so Im sure you'll be able to catch me in person on the Drunk at Home Forum for rockin' chats with a drunken me.

I hope you all have a super drinky, fun and safe weekend!

Cheers to that!

Drunken Paradise

Today is really rainy, cold, and shitty where we live.

So I am planning on spending the day pretending I live here:

What you can't see is that behind me is a bar, laden with strong tropical drinks that are free and delicious.

I am also the hottest one on the beach because I'm the ONLY one on the beach.

The water is warm, the sun is warmer, and I am NOT sitting at a desk (aka human cage). Nope, nope.

Just relaxing in an intense state of denial.

The Shitty Bartender

I found another amazing thing!!

This guy has a blog all about half-assed mixology.

If you are lazy/drunk and have limited ingredients lying around, this is the place to go for a half-way decent drink recipe.

Im a "High Functioning" Alcoholic.

I found the best article today about the symptoms and warning signs of functioning alcoholics. Yep. Im totally one of those. Here is a brief description:

They’re often unrecognizable as alcoholics, walking among us, working alongside us, able to carry out (at least superficially) their responsibilities. Perhaps they’re even members of our own families. The high-functioning alcoholic is very adept at concealing their alcoholism – even from themselves. But the signs are there. You just have to look for them.


*GASP*


Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband. I am walking among you.


For our collective enjoyment, let's see just how you can recognize derelicts like myself, as high-functioning alcoholics (they call me an "HFA"):


• In the company of others who drink – The HFA surrounds himself with others who like to drink. This assimilation makes it difficult to pick out the HFA as being different from the rest. Besides, the HFA truly enjoys drinking and being around others with similar likes.
Truly enjoying drinking and being around other people who share my likes (aka - people who aren't totally lame) makes no one an alcoholic.


• Obsessing over alcohol – The thought of alcohol is never far from the mind of the HFA. Counting hours until the next drink, mentally savoring the mellowness and pleasure of the impending drink, calculating how much alcohol can be consumed without any outward signs of drunkenness – the HFA obsesses over alcohol.
Obsessing? You mean like devoting hours upon hours of my precious time creating a website specifically designed for drunk people? Nahhhhh.


• Consuming craving – One drink is never enough for the HFA. The lure is too strong, and the craving consumes the HFA until he or she can have the next drink – and the next, and the next. Before long, the HFA has lost control over total alcohol intake – even though he or she still may appear outwardly normal and in control. After all, they are masters of discipline and concealment.
I am the master of discipline and concealment. Be not afraid, but perhaps slightly concerned.


• Alcohol is part of their lives – The HFA would no more give up alcohol than they’d give up their identity. Alcohol is so much a part of their lives that they cannot imagine a life without alcohol.
That is correct. I cannot imagine my life without alcohol. That being said, I don't think Im in any real danger of an eternal booze shortage, so I'm calling this a non-issue. 


• Finishing drinks of others – If someone the HFA is with leaves a drink on the bar or the table, the HFA may pick it up and finish it. “Don’t want to let this go to waste,” he may say in a joking manner. Related to this is the example of the HFA downing his own drink when it’s time to leave – to go to the table at the restaurant after waiting at the bar, for example – and then quickly ordering another. If a family member or friend doesn’t touch his or her drink, the HFA often drinks it along with his own.
Someone who thinks that wasting precious money AND booze is a crime is not an alcoholic. They're just right.


• Experiencing shame over drunken behavior – Being such masters of concealment, the HFA does often experience remorse and/or shame over instances where their behavior has become sloppy after drinking. Such behavior isn’t part of their carefully crafted images and they consequently work even harder to avoid such mistakes in the future. But they won’t quit drinking. They’ll just watch their behavior more.
As they should. If you are a total lush, you shouldn't be a sloppy one for heaven's sake. Besides, isn't drinking only truly considered problematic when your behavior becomes problematic? 


• Self-deluding – Some HFAs drink only expensive wine or liquor in the mistaken belief that this means they’re not an alcoholic. It’s a self-delusion that allows them to continue to drink with impunity.
What if I only drink cheap vodka because I'm broke as a joke but still drink with impunity? Does wine in a box count?


• Fit life into compartments – Another familiar sign of HFAs is that they are able to conveniently separate their drinking lives from the rest of their existence. Who they are at home, on the job, or to casual acquaintances is totally different from their drinking routine and environment.
I do not do this. I prefer to drink with abandon and tell everyone who disapproves to get fucked.


• Tried to quit but failed – At some point the HFA may have tried to quit drinking but failed in the attempt. This pattern may often be repeated, but still the HFA refuses to seek treatment. It is part of their personality makeup, their self-constructed identity that they feel they can handle their drinking on their own. Such refusal to get help is difficult to overcome.
I tried to quit once for like a week. It went down like this:

Workaholics	Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c
We Took an Oath
www.comedycentral.com
Comedy Central Funny Videos Funny TV Shows

The point I'm ultimately trying to make is that if an alcoholic can be considered "high-functioning," is it really worth worrying about?

NO.

Stay drink-y, people!! 

Don't forget to visit us at DrunkatHome.com!

The Downfalls of Airbags

I hope you got super schwastedy last night! I know I did! Not 100% sure I'm not still a bit tipsy to be honest.

This brings us to a new section of our blog I just invented:

DRUNKEN MUSINGS.

If you are trying to kill your wife and make it look like an accident by getting into repeated car accidents, airbags would no longer be considered safety devices so much as a hindrance.