Will Drink to Belligerence for Money.

First week of the month!

Rent is due, which more than likely means the vast majority of us will be drinking in an attempt to forget how actually, horribly broke we are. #occupybooze

Which is really a shame because it's xmas shopping season and with everyone being so broke and all, no one is going to be able to afford to get me that big sack of cash I want, which is the only thing I'm asking for this year.

Here are a few things I've done recently in a sad, sad attempt to either save or make more money:

It's a thought, meme wolf....it's a thought.

1. Started skipping two meals a day. 
I figured this was a win-win: I save lunch money and myself from obesity. If I skip my $5.00 McDonald's trips for a year, I'll have racked up a whopping $260.00. That's not even a car payment, dammit.

^ Not worth turning on, or off.

2. Turned off my cable for a month.
I decided to be "reasonable and responsible" and declared that I did not need television to survive. Indeed, it is not a necessity. I saved $109.00 for 30 days, but probably spent $10,000.00 renting movies down the street.

Despite popular belief, this button does not exist.

3. Joined an internet scam.
I sure did! And guess what -- a certain and inevitable shock, it was a scam. I am out roughly $300.00 and made roughly $0.00. A little piece of advice in trying to determine if something is a scam...if you have even an inkling that it's a scam, it's definitely a scam. Like the housing market.

I'm no where near this cute/creepy.

4. Stopped going to the tanning bed.
Sure, I'm saving $30 bucks a month ($360 a year) but I look like an albino.

This is my fighting stance.

5. Drink, Don't Drive.
It's no secret that beer is exponentially cheaper per gallon than gas. I'd estimate I've saved several hundred dollars by getting so blindingly schnockered I passed out on the couch rather than driving somewhere to spend money. So far, this is the only thing that has made a positive impact on my budget. There truly isn't a problem enough alcohol can't fix.

Doe, A Beer,

Here's one of my favorite drinking songs, set to the tune of that "doe, a deer..." song from The Sound of Music:


Dough, I use
to buy my beer.


Ray, the guy who pours my beer!


Me, the guy,
who drinks my beer.


Fa-r,
A long way to the john!


So,
I'll have another beer!


La.......
I'll have another beer!


Tea,
No thanks, I'll have a beer!!


And that will bring us back to dough!

Knowledge is Power.

Drunken Musings: 3rd Edition

Don't try to break up a bag of ice with a hammer while it is still in the freezer. You will break the freezer.

12 Days of Xmas

It's open season for xmas gift shopping and in case any of you were wondering what I wanted, I put together a comprehensive list you may select from, set to the tune of, "The 12 Days of Christmas."

On the 12 Days of Christmas, Santa brought to meee:

12 Vacation Houses

11 Million Dollars

10 Designer Handbags

9 Booze Cases

8 Investment Bankers

7 Hot Cars

6 Tennis Bracelets








5 Big TV's!

4 Politicians

3 Giant Yachts

2 New Wardrobes

And a big, fat sack of money!!

Aaaand, We're Back.

I hope you had a lovely 4-day break over Thanksgiving! I can say I certainly enjoyed the shit out of mine. We got in some drunken family time (I come by it honestly), got some xmas things accomplished, conquered a high school reunion, and still managed to find some time to laze about.

Turkey Week!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

I spent a good majority of my time this weekend getting mega drunk. Let's just leave it at saying the last few days have been extraordinarily shitty and show no signs of stopping.

The thing keeping me going right now is the prospect of a three day work-week. Hooray!!

Pickup Lines That Men Think Work, But Don't.

For the Ladies: We've all been there. He looks good, he bought you a drink, introduced himself and BOOM! Fell flat on his face with the worst pickup line in the world that immediately turned you off and made him look like a cheesy d-bag. Worse yet are the men you wouldn't have been even mildly interested in to begin with and to top it off, now they're throwing game they don't know how to play. It's awkward.

For the Guys: Im not a guy so I could be way off base here, but I would like to politely request that you STOP USING PICKUP LINES. They make you look corny and tips us gals off immediately that you don't have any thing to offer other than a regurgitated line your buddy told you would score you some tail. Go ahead and assume that "this works every time!" really means, "this works never."

I found a collection of what are supposed to be the "Best Pickup Lines" so I have offered what we women are thinking when you use them.


1. "I'm going to have sex with you tonight, so... you might as well be there"


Her internal reaction: FEAR

Great. Now we have to sit there and look at you while we just got a vivid mental image of you jerking it late at night to a memory of us.


Ultimate creeper line.


Additionally, we now have to wonder, since you have now revealed yourself to be such an extreme creeper, if we don't come home with you, are you going to follow us there and rape/ kill us? And what happens if we DO come home with you??


Either way, us gals are not fond of creepers or getting rape/ killed.








2. "Do you like Bacon? Wanna strip?"


Her internal reaction: CONFUSION

"Did he just call me fat by implying he knows I'm a regular bacon eater??"


"Did he call me a stripper?"


"Or is he actually making a serious invite to after-bar breakfast??"


Here's a hot tip guys: if you are trying to pickup a girl, don't even acknowledge the fact that she eats food. It makes us feel fat. Unless of course, beyond trying to sleep with us, you make an offer to take us to dinner tomorrow night. 


Essentially, if you are trying to make a girl feel good enough about herself to get naked with you, don't remind her of the list of fatty things she's eaten today.


3. "You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a foot-long."


Her internal reaction: EWW.

That makes me think of a penis sandwich.


Bread, lettuce, tomato and all with a flaccid, owner-less member just chillin' like it belongs there.


Honestly, how gross would it be if you went to Subway, ordered yourself a regular ass sandwich and bit into it, only to find a penis?


Put yourselves in our shoes guys. You probably don't want a surprise penis sandwich either.


4. "I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you."


Her internal reaction: FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL PHYSICS 

Really, one of the first things that comes to mind is - why would you want to kiss me without touching me?


Also, is that possible? I mean, I suppose he could kiss me without hands being all grope-y, but doesn't a kiss mandate physical contact? 


Does he have hand herpes?


I'm pretty sure the formula is something like....


Probability X Impact = Expected Outcome Value






5. "If you’re Nala, I’m Simba. Why don’t we complete the circle of life?"


Her internal reaction: HELL NO.

Let's just say you found a girl at a bar who is actually looking for a one-night stand. Jackpot! 


Then you buy her a drink and hit her with this gem of a pickup line.


Probably the last thing you would want to do when trying to pull a one-nighter is remind your prey that she could be one bad decision away from inflicting unintended pregnancy upon herself and being a single mother struggling to collect child support payments from a dead-beat guy she barely knows. 


Yes, I wanted to have sex with you. Now I want to go home and put my chastity belt back on.


Remember guys -- nothing beats introducing yourself and asking the lady what her interests are!


And it never hurts to visit drunkathome.com either!