Drunken Bears - Of the Gummy Variety.

My partner in crime and I usually meet up once a week for drinking, gossip, and food (the good life, in other words).

Imagine my supreme delight when she showed up last week with engorged gummy bears swimming in a lake of vodka. Joy!

The recipe is fairly simple:

1. Put gummy bears in a container.
2. Pour vodka (we thought that Smirnoff's Fluffed Marshmallow Vodka tasted the best) all over the bears.
3. Let sit 24 hours.
4. Eat.

The texture is a bit shocking - slimy on the outside, still kind of gummy-bear-like on the inside. BUT, they are so tasty and 2 of them seem to be the equivalent of a shot. For the full effect, we have captured my reaction to eating vodka bears for the first time:

DRUNKEN GUMMY BEARS WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEART.

Skittles - Good; Vodka - Great; Skittles + Vodka? YES PLEASE.

OMGosh! A thing! A thing I have to tell you about!!

SKITTLES VODKA.

That's right,

Magic.

I think it's just that simple...Add skittles to vodka and viola! Drunken rainbow. Here's the recipe:

1. You need a minimum of 180 individual skittles of each color. Of course, you can always add more to make the vodka more flavorful, but 2 450g bags ought to do the trick.

2. While it might be tempting to use a crappy, cheap vodka to try this out on, the result is vodka that ends up tasting like cold medicine. A better vodka is going to taste better, no matter what you do to it. A 750ml bottle should get you where you're going. You'll need 5 bottles, one for each color.

3. Take the label off the bottles so you can observe the dissolving process. You can even slap your own labels on once you're done!

4. Sort your skittles into different bowls by color.

5. Pour about 1/8 of the bottle of vodka into a reserve container. You'll need to do this for each bottle.

6. Add your skittles to each bottle by color.

7. Once the skittles have been added, top off each bottle that that reserve you set aside earlier. There will be a bit left over so make yourself a drink.

8. Shake each of the bottles a bit to get the dissolving process going.

9. You would think it would take a while for the skittles to dissolve, but they're usually done in about 24-48 hours.

10. Now that the skittles are pretty much dissolved, you need to filter out the white left-over stuff (the filler in the candy, which is NOT tasty, for the record.). The best way is to put some paper towels into a strainer and pour the vodka in bit by bit, obviously with something under the filter to catch it. Like a nice big plastic bowl or something. This takes a minute and the stuff left over is pretty gross, but it's totally worth it.

11. Pour the filtered liquor back into the bottle and enjoy! Word on the street is that green tastes the best, being the most like the original skittle and red tastes the worst, a bit like cough-syrup.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY THIS!!!!

And if it does this to my hair, I'm gonna be psyched:

5 Drunks Who Will Ruin Your Night

Everyone has been out drinking with one of these. You spend endless time fantasizing how much fun you are going to have tonight while tediously getting ready then one of your friends texts you, "Is it ok if _____ comes too?" Shit.

Thinking about leaving you there.

1. Pukes by 10:30

Really? I know we're all in a rush to have fun but certainly anyone could have predicted that a kamikaze row of shots as soon as we got in the door was not a good idea.

My favorite part is the non-tan hairline.

2. Punches bartender

Also known as the aggressive drunk. "Bros" are the most common offenders, frequently getting into arguments about whose fake tan looks less orange.

Now we don't want to be seen with you.

3. Cries because everything is the WORST

Life sucks. For pretty much everyone - hence, why we're all out trying to have a good time. You ruined it.

Not using good judgement.

4. Leaves with stranger

At least be considerate if you're going to be a whore. Tell your friends you're leaving before they panic you've been left or kidnapped. Also, we'll then be able to give a description to the police when you are murder-raped.

This is a "boys night" of a different color.

5. Brings significant other to girls/boys night out

If it's girls/boys night out, don't drag your lame boyfriend/bitchy girlfriend. You would think the term "Girls/Boys night out" would be enough to imply we don't like him/her.

Have you been to drunkathome.com recently?? You should visit! Things happen there!!

4 Places to be, or Not to be, Drunk.

You might be a drink-y person wondering, "Hey! How do I network with other people who share my interests? Like drinking?" In an effort to find you some drinking buddies, here are some common places you can find, and socialize with, other lushes:

1. Bars
Pretty much a given. Alcohol is known to live here.

2. Sporting events
The best place to find drunk men, who are also loud.

3. The sidewalk
Best place to find catatonic drunks. They make the best listeners.

4. Holiday shopping
This might shock you fellas, but there is an astounding number of women who won't go xmas shopping without getting completely shnockered beforehand. Why do you think Black Friday starts at midnight and ends with someone getting trampled to death?





Now that you know where to find some drink-y friends, it should also be noted that there are several places you should NOT be a drunk person trying to hang out with other drunk people:

1. Church
Chugging the communal wine is not a good way to make friends.

2. Daycare
It is generally frowned upon to slur obscenities to children.

3. In the car
Car accidents are not a good networking tool.

4. Court
It is hard to plead not guilty with liquor on your breath.

4 Things You Should Not Do Before 9AM

I am not a morning person.

I drink a lot, so chances are, you are probably bothering me when it's 7:30 am and I'm still adjusting my hangover to deal with the florescent lights of the workplace.

Here are some things you should not be doing in the morning:

This is you.

1. Talking excessively. 
I'm perfectly fine holding a light conversation in the morning as long as I've had a few sips of coffee. What I'm not trying to do is sit like a duck in a proverbial barrel while you talk AT me with an extended diatribe about your general likes and dislikes. Can this wait? I have all day to feel like a victim of ear rape; must it be first thing in the morning?

Too early for this.

2. Making plans.
I am not a human being before 9 am, so it's safe to assume that I'm going to agree to pretty much any plan you make to shut you up, whether I have any intention of following through with said plan or not. I will forget to bake cookies for your daughter's birthday and show up for your boyfriend's funeral. I'm tired.

Too early to deal with this. ^

3. Getting emotional.
I have zero sympathy, empathy, or ability to emotionally relate to you in the morning. I am a shell - a husk - of a person with all the compassion of a bag of pencils. Now is not a good time to tell me anything that doesn't relate to me going to the fuck back to bed.

Shhh...ut the fuck up.

4. Asking questions.
Unless it's "Can I get you another cup of coffee?" or, "Would you like the day off?" I do not have the mental capacity to think up a response relevant enough that it makes me look like I'm paying attention. That will have to wait until after lunch, until I can better pretend I just heard anything you just said.


In summary, if you are a morning person, I hate you. Please realize you are in the minority and are not interesting enough to stimulate my brain cells into a coherent state.

Will Drink to Belligerence for Money.

First week of the month!

Rent is due, which more than likely means the vast majority of us will be drinking in an attempt to forget how actually, horribly broke we are. #occupybooze

Which is really a shame because it's xmas shopping season and with everyone being so broke and all, no one is going to be able to afford to get me that big sack of cash I want, which is the only thing I'm asking for this year.

Here are a few things I've done recently in a sad, sad attempt to either save or make more money:

It's a thought, meme wolf....it's a thought.

1. Started skipping two meals a day. 
I figured this was a win-win: I save lunch money and myself from obesity. If I skip my $5.00 McDonald's trips for a year, I'll have racked up a whopping $260.00. That's not even a car payment, dammit.

^ Not worth turning on, or off.

2. Turned off my cable for a month.
I decided to be "reasonable and responsible" and declared that I did not need television to survive. Indeed, it is not a necessity. I saved $109.00 for 30 days, but probably spent $10,000.00 renting movies down the street.

Despite popular belief, this button does not exist.

3. Joined an internet scam.
I sure did! And guess what -- a certain and inevitable shock, it was a scam. I am out roughly $300.00 and made roughly $0.00. A little piece of advice in trying to determine if something is a scam...if you have even an inkling that it's a scam, it's definitely a scam. Like the housing market.

I'm no where near this cute/creepy.

4. Stopped going to the tanning bed.
Sure, I'm saving $30 bucks a month ($360 a year) but I look like an albino.

This is my fighting stance.

5. Drink, Don't Drive.
It's no secret that beer is exponentially cheaper per gallon than gas. I'd estimate I've saved several hundred dollars by getting so blindingly schnockered I passed out on the couch rather than driving somewhere to spend money. So far, this is the only thing that has made a positive impact on my budget. There truly isn't a problem enough alcohol can't fix.

Doe, A Beer,

Here's one of my favorite drinking songs, set to the tune of that "doe, a deer..." song from The Sound of Music:


Dough, I use
to buy my beer.


Ray, the guy who pours my beer!


Me, the guy,
who drinks my beer.


Fa-r,
A long way to the john!


So,
I'll have another beer!


La.......
I'll have another beer!


Tea,
No thanks, I'll have a beer!!


And that will bring us back to dough!